Socrates

"Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food and tyrannize their teachers." -Socrates

"On the Continent people have good food; in England people have good table manners." - George Mikes

"Anger is one letter away from danger." - Eleanor Roosevelt

"Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls, and looks like work.- Thomas Edison

"In football, if you stand still you go backwards."- Peter Reid

"If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me. "- Alice Roosevelt Longworth

"The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; the pessimist fears this is true"- James Branch Cabell

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill

"Just because your voice reaches halfway aroung the world doesn't mean you are wiser than when it reached only to the end of the bar."- Edward R. Murrow

Show me a thoroughly satisfied man, and I will show you a failure." - Thomas Edison

"Blessed is the man who, having nothing to stay, abstains from giving us worthy evidence of the fact."- George Eliot

"Plenty of people miss their share of happiness. Not because they never found it, but because they didn't stop to enjoy it."- William Feather

"Anyone who stops learning is old, whether at twenty or eighty. Anyone who keeps learning stays young. The greatest thing in life is to keep your mind young."- Henry Ford

Mottos to Work By

- Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
- If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
- Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
- Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity
- A person who smiles in the face of adversity...probably has a scapegoat. - Plagiarism saves time.
- If at first you don't succeed, try management.
- Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
- TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself.

New Twins

Eve: "Did you hear the latest about Jane Simmons who lives over on the next block? "

Sheli: " No, what about her?"

Eve: "She had triplets. Then not two weeks later, she had twins."

Sheli: "That's Impossible.! How did it happen?" Eve: "One of the triplets got lost."

Wrong Pants

Teacher: Joey, if you put your hand in one pants pocket and found 75 cents, then you put your other hand in your other pants pocket and found 50 cents, what would you have?

Joey: I'd have somebody else's pants on!

The Mystic

An engineer, a physicist, a mathematician, and a mystic were asked to name the greatest invention of all times.
The engineer chose fire, which gave humanity power over matter.
The physicist chose the wheel, which gave humanity the power over space.
The mathematician chose the alphabet, which gave humanity power over symbols.
The mystic chose the thermos bottle.
"Why a thermos bottle?" the others asked.
"Because the thermos keeps hot liquids hot in winter and cold liquids cold in summer."
"Yes -- so what?"
"Think about it." said the mystic reverently. That little bottle -- how does it know?"

Politics Explained as Cows

SOCIALISM You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.

COMMUNISM You have two cows. The government takes them both and provides you with milk. FASCISM You have two cows. The government takes them and sells you the milk.

BUREAUCRACY You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours it down the drain.

CAPITALISM You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

CORPORATE You have two cows. You sell one, force the other to produce the milk of four cows, then act surprised when it drops dead.

DEMOCRACY You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point that you must sell them both in order to pay the taxes to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow which was a gift from your government.

Jokes - Deputy Gomer

Deputy Gomer

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer went in to try out for the job.

"Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is 1 and 1?"

"11" he replied.

The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right."

"What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"

"Today and tomorrow."

The sheriff was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.

"Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"

Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."

"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"

So, Gomer wandered over to the barbershop where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"