The elderly man flattered himself that he was still a ladies’ man, and decided to flirt with the beautiful waitress. "So tell me, sweetheart, where have you been all my life?" he crooned.
"Actually, sir," she pointed out sweetly, "for the first 45 years of it, I wasn’t even around."
Wednesday, 27 August 2008
Sunday, 27 July 2008
Don't Look at the Light
Customer: "My mouse doesn't work any more."
Tech Support: "Is it an optical or ball mouse?"
Customer: "Huh?"
Tech Support: "Does it have a ball or light?"
Customer: "It has an light on top."
Tech Support: "On top?"
Customer: "Yeah. It was underneath before, but it looks better when it's on top."
Tech Support: "Ok, try turning it around so the light points down on the desk."
Customer: "Oh! It works!"
Computer Instructor
Well, I had one event happen to me, where one lady had just bought a Apple IIc and complained that she was having problems with her monitor, so we told her to bring her monitor in, and we'd check it out.
So she brings her monitor in, and we plug it in, and it works without a flaw. We tell her that the monitor isn't the problem, and to bring her CPU in.
She stares at us blankly, and asks, "What's the CPU?"
Joe explains that it's the piece of equipment that all your devices plug into. So about twenty minutes later, she returns and walks in carrying the surge supressor.
When we explained to her the item that we needed her to bring in, she replied, "Oh you mean the keyboard!" (On Apple IIc's, the CPU box and keyboard are part of the same unit.)
And to make this all the more interesting, she was a gradeschool computer class instructor.
So she brings her monitor in, and we plug it in, and it works without a flaw. We tell her that the monitor isn't the problem, and to bring her CPU in.
She stares at us blankly, and asks, "What's the CPU?"
Joe explains that it's the piece of equipment that all your devices plug into. So about twenty minutes later, she returns and walks in carrying the surge supressor.
When we explained to her the item that we needed her to bring in, she replied, "Oh you mean the keyboard!" (On Apple IIc's, the CPU box and keyboard are part of the same unit.)
And to make this all the more interesting, she was a gradeschool computer class instructor.
Sunday, 18 May 2008
Good News, Bad News
An old man visits his doctor and, after a thorough examination, the doctor tells him, "I have good news and bad news. What would you like to hear first?"
The patient answers, "Well, give me the bad news first."
"You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left," the doctor says.
"That's terrible! In two years, my life will be over!" the patient cried. "What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this?"
The doctor says, "You also have Alzheimer's. In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you."
The patient answers, "Well, give me the bad news first."
"You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left," the doctor says.
"That's terrible! In two years, my life will be over!" the patient cried. "What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this?"
The doctor says, "You also have Alzheimer's. In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you."
Paying the Bill
Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"
"Only one kiss per yard, " replied the smirking male clerk.
"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face,the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, thenheld it out teasingly.The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her.
"Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.
"Only one kiss per yard, " replied the smirking male clerk.
"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face,the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, thenheld it out teasingly.The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her.
"Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.
Acronyms and What They Mean
PCMCIA People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
ISDN It Still Does Nothing
SCSI System Can't See It
DOS Defunct Operating System
BASIC Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
IBM I Blame Microsoft
DEC Do Expect Cuts
CD-ROM Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
OS/2 Obsolete Soon, Too.
WWW World Wide Wait
MACINTOSH Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
ISDN It Still Does Nothing
SCSI System Can't See It
DOS Defunct Operating System
BASIC Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
IBM I Blame Microsoft
DEC Do Expect Cuts
CD-ROM Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
OS/2 Obsolete Soon, Too.
WWW World Wide Wait
MACINTOSH Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
Thursday, 14 February 2008
Socrates
"Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food and tyrannize their teachers." -Socrates
"On the Continent people have good food; in England people have good table manners." - George Mikes
"Anger is one letter away from danger." - Eleanor Roosevelt
"Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls, and looks like work.- Thomas Edison
"In football, if you stand still you go backwards."- Peter Reid
"If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me. "- Alice Roosevelt Longworth
"The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; the pessimist fears this is true"- James Branch Cabell
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill
"Just because your voice reaches halfway aroung the world doesn't mean you are wiser than when it reached only to the end of the bar."- Edward R. Murrow
Show me a thoroughly satisfied man, and I will show you a failure." - Thomas Edison
"Blessed is the man who, having nothing to stay, abstains from giving us worthy evidence of the fact."- George Eliot
"Plenty of people miss their share of happiness. Not because they never found it, but because they didn't stop to enjoy it."- William Feather
"Anyone who stops learning is old, whether at twenty or eighty. Anyone who keeps learning stays young. The greatest thing in life is to keep your mind young."- Henry Ford
"On the Continent people have good food; in England people have good table manners." - George Mikes
"Anger is one letter away from danger." - Eleanor Roosevelt
"Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls, and looks like work.- Thomas Edison
"In football, if you stand still you go backwards."- Peter Reid
"If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me. "- Alice Roosevelt Longworth
"The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; the pessimist fears this is true"- James Branch Cabell
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill
"Just because your voice reaches halfway aroung the world doesn't mean you are wiser than when it reached only to the end of the bar."- Edward R. Murrow
Show me a thoroughly satisfied man, and I will show you a failure." - Thomas Edison
"Blessed is the man who, having nothing to stay, abstains from giving us worthy evidence of the fact."- George Eliot
"Plenty of people miss their share of happiness. Not because they never found it, but because they didn't stop to enjoy it."- William Feather
"Anyone who stops learning is old, whether at twenty or eighty. Anyone who keeps learning stays young. The greatest thing in life is to keep your mind young."- Henry Ford
Wednesday, 6 February 2008
Mottos to Work By
- Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
- If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
- Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
- Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity
- A person who smiles in the face of adversity...probably has a scapegoat. - Plagiarism saves time.
- If at first you don't succeed, try management.
- Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
- TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself.
- If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
- Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
- Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity
- A person who smiles in the face of adversity...probably has a scapegoat. - Plagiarism saves time.
- If at first you don't succeed, try management.
- Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
- TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself.
New Twins
Eve: "Did you hear the latest about Jane Simmons who lives over on the next block? "
Sheli: " No, what about her?"
Eve: "She had triplets. Then not two weeks later, she had twins."
Sheli: "That's Impossible.! How did it happen?" Eve: "One of the triplets got lost."
Wrong Pants
Teacher: Joey, if you put your hand in one pants pocket and found 75 cents, then you put your other hand in your other pants pocket and found 50 cents, what would you have?
Joey: I'd have somebody else's pants on!
Joey: I'd have somebody else's pants on!
The Mystic
An engineer, a physicist, a mathematician, and a mystic were asked to name the greatest invention of all times.
The engineer chose fire, which gave humanity power over matter.
The physicist chose the wheel, which gave humanity the power over space.
The mathematician chose the alphabet, which gave humanity power over symbols.
The mystic chose the thermos bottle.
"Why a thermos bottle?" the others asked.
"Because the thermos keeps hot liquids hot in winter and cold liquids cold in summer."
"Yes -- so what?"
"Think about it." said the mystic reverently. That little bottle -- how does it know?"
The engineer chose fire, which gave humanity power over matter.
The physicist chose the wheel, which gave humanity the power over space.
The mathematician chose the alphabet, which gave humanity power over symbols.
The mystic chose the thermos bottle.
"Why a thermos bottle?" the others asked.
"Because the thermos keeps hot liquids hot in winter and cold liquids cold in summer."
"Yes -- so what?"
"Think about it." said the mystic reverently. That little bottle -- how does it know?"
Politics Explained as Cows
SOCIALISM You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.
COMMUNISM You have two cows. The government takes them both and provides you with milk. FASCISM You have two cows. The government takes them and sells you the milk.
BUREAUCRACY You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours it down the drain.
CAPITALISM You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
CORPORATE You have two cows. You sell one, force the other to produce the milk of four cows, then act surprised when it drops dead.
DEMOCRACY You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point that you must sell them both in order to pay the taxes to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow which was a gift from your government.
COMMUNISM You have two cows. The government takes them both and provides you with milk. FASCISM You have two cows. The government takes them and sells you the milk.
BUREAUCRACY You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours it down the drain.
CAPITALISM You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
CORPORATE You have two cows. You sell one, force the other to produce the milk of four cows, then act surprised when it drops dead.
DEMOCRACY You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point that you must sell them both in order to pay the taxes to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow which was a gift from your government.
Tuesday, 5 February 2008
Jokes - Deputy Gomer
Deputy Gomer
The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer went in to try out for the job.
"Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is 1 and 1?"
"11" he replied.
The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right."
"What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"
"Today and tomorrow."
The sheriff was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.
"Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"
Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."
"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"
So, Gomer wandered over to the barbershop where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"
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